Huckster

An Unnecessary Collection Of Essays On The Advertising Industry: A Book by Gene Albamonte

Huckster

The Agency Review reviews Huckster. And most of the review is pretty good! Most of it!

Hey, guys, I made this venn diagram for “Huckster,” my humor book on advertising! All right!

Hey, guys, I made this venn diagram for “Huckster,” my humor book on advertising! All right!

Upcoming Apple Products For Advertising Professionals

Siri Timesheet®

Do you love doing timesheets? Of course you don’t, nobody loves doing timesheets because they are the Jar Jar Binks of advertising protocol. Well, get ready for a revolutionary iPhone utility: the new Siri Timesheet® tool, available on the next generation of iPhone.

Simply follow these eight steps:

1. Open Siri and say, “Siri, do timesheets.”

2. Wait for Siri to say, “Okay, yeah, I’ll do them later.”

3. Say back to Siri in a frustrated manner, “No, Siri, you do them now, because you’ll just keep procrastinating.”

4. After Siri says, “I’ll get to them. I just want to do a couple other things first,” you say (loudly), “Siri, please? Just do them now.”

5. Siri will then brush you off with, “Sorry, bub. Busy.”

6. Throw your phone against the wall.

7. Do the timesheets yourself.

8. Buy a new phone.

Folks, it doesn’t get much easier than that!

MacLibs®

Uh-oh. There’s a big new-business RFP deck due at the end of the day and you haven’t even started on it yet. Guess you’re not winning this one. Unless, of course you get the new MacLibs, in which case you are going to win this one. First, open MacLibs and enter a few adjectives, like “engaging” and “interactive” and “innovative.” Then enter a few nouns, including “narrative” and “story” and “metrics.” Lastly, enter the name of the client you’re pitching. Then let Mac Libs do all the work as it automatically gathers relevant photos from your desktop and iStock and incorporates them into a ready-to-go, fully written deck. Looks like your deck is ready to go…and to win! Bingo.

HolograMe®

Ugh, it’s time for the production meeting. You have way too much going on right now to sit in one of those things, am I right? Probably I am right. Well, don’t worry. Now you don’t have to be in one of those meetings thanks to Apple’s new HolograMe app. You’re welcome. Here’s how it works: first, tell your coworkers you have to go to the bathroom. Say something like this: “I’ll be right back, I have to go to the bathroom.” While in the bathroom, take a photo of yourself. Now hit HolograMe, and voila: a hologram replica of yourself will exit the bathroom and sit in the meeting. Meanwhile, you just kick back on the old commode and relax. Your hologram will even interact in the meeting, as it’s been preset to do the following functions:

- Perform nonverbal communication, like nod, shrug, shift uncomfortably, and do that thing where you kind of half-smirk as if to say, “I don’t know about that!”

- Speak preset verbal phrases, including, “I’ll have to think about it” and “That is unfortunate” and “My plate is full.”

- Perform fun novelty actions that you can activate remotely with your phone like Choke, Pass Out, Belch, and Die.

So, don’t go to the next production meeting…send a three-dimensional diffraction pattern of yourself to the next production meeting. That way, you can do whatever you prefer doing, like diagramming sentences or whatever. (Note: Instead of going to the bathroom to activate HolograMe, you can also just leave the building entirely.)

MacBook Pro Suzette®

This is basically the same thing as the regular MacBook Pro except that, when you open up the laptop, there’s a ready-to-eat Crepe Suzette inside.

Apple TV Suzette®

This is just like the MacBook Pro Suzette, but instead of it being a MacBook Pro, it’s an Apple TV, and instead of there being a crepe suzette inside, there will be Suzette from HR asking you to complete your end-of-year review packet.

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We here at Apple hope you enjoy these fine new products specifically for advertising professionals. And if you don’t like them, perhaps advertising is not for you?

To be sure, advertising is an exciting business, and it can indeed be lots of fun. Except for one part, that is: the part where you do your timesheets.

A timesheet—for those unfamiliar with it—is essentially a spreadsheet-like thing in which an employee inputs how much time he or she worked on each particular job that day. And while this may sound simple, it’s actually quite painful and irritating. In fact, it causes symptoms similar to a urinary tract infection. That’s why these PSA announcements were created, you see.

Huckster Leak: The Table Of Contents

Well, apparently Wikileaks leaked the Table Of Contents of Huckster, so I might as well post the TOC here. Thanks a lot, Julian Assange.

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Introduction 

The Inner Sanctum Of A Traditional Advertising Agency

Hello And Welcome To The Agency, New Account Executive

Two-Page, Annotated Introduction In The Creative Department Employee Manual

Regarding The Media Department, Did You Know…

The Unbelievable History Of The Advertising Industry

Ad Men, Deities & Journalism—Answers To Common Questions About Advertising

The Monologue Of A Job (Read In The Voice Of Morgan Freeman From Shawshank Redemption)

What It Takes

Five Commonly Known Sexual Pleasures For Advertising Professionals

Transcript Of An Ad Agency New-Business Pitch, Part 1: Introducing The Team

Transcript Of An Ad Agency New-Business Pitch, Part 2: Why We’re Different

The Legend Of My Grandfather, Ad Man

An Average Day For Someone Who Works In Advertising

Myth-Bustin’

The Worst Kind Of Client

Do You Have A Urinary Tract Infection Or Are You Just Doing Your Timesheets?

My First Date

First-Draft Taglines

Rejected Television Script #1 

Charts

How To Interview For A Job In Advertising

Thank You For Using LinkedIn!

The Progression Of Job Titles In Agency Departments

First Lines Of Classic Novels, Written As If Their Authors Had Worked In Advertising

The Catholic Church: Advertising Medium Of The Future

Deciding To Get Into Advertising: Mini-Stories

Yankee Candle Scents For Advertising Professionals

The Opening Of A Job (As Told In The Style Of A Raymond Carver Story Edited By Gordon Lish)

Coupons!

Movie Teaser Excerpts For Films About Advertising

Rejected Television Script #2 

Things About The Advertising Industry (And The People Who Work In It) I Have Yet To Overhear At A Party

Muse Varieties

Welcome To The 23rd Annual Agency Picnic Olympics!

Excerpts From An Advertising Professional’s Journal Regarding His Time Working In The Transylvania Office

Anatomy Of An Advertising Professional’s Brain

Nine Ways To Keep The Creativity Flowing

How To Get Out Of Advertising

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Acknowledgements

Notes 

An Actual Excerpt From Huckster

Here it: an excerpt from Huckster. Get a little taste of the book that will be available later this month, that book being Huckster. Without further ado, here it is: the excerpt.*

*From Huckster

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INTRODUCTION

You’re about to embark on a journey like none other. Indeed, the advertising industry is unlike anything you’ve ever imagined, unless you’re Stephen King, because that guy has quite an imagination, right?! But if you’re not Stephen King—and, chances are, you’re not him—then hold on to your teeth. Because this is going to open your eyes to an industry that is unlike anything you’ve ever imagined. Unless you’re Stephen King.

        You’re probably wondering, What is advertising? That’s a good question, and, up to this point, biblical scholars have yet to answer that question to anyone’s satisfaction. Well, this book will do just that. You’ll learn the ins and outs of advertising as well as dispel the myths. For instance, did you know that some people think advertising was created by a drunk Catholic bishop 6,000 years ago? This, of course, is not true. But if it were, what would the bishop’s name be? It’s simply unanswerable.

        At this point, you’re probably familiar with some of the idiosyncrasies of the industry, thanks to a very popular TV show about advertising that, as of this writing, is in its fifth season. But where do you go from there? What isn’t the aforementioned show telling you? As it turns out, a lot. And that’s where this book comes in. Here, you’ll learn about the departments. You’ll learn about procedure. You’ll learn how to break into the industry, including interviewing tips and a guide that will help you determine whether or not you have what it takes.

        Still wondering if this book is right for you? Simply answer these three questions to find out:

1) Do you like the very popular show that I referred to earlier, but still have a short piece of umbilical cord sticking out of your bellybutton?

2) Are you interested in learning more about the advertising industry, but have never actually been in a meaningful relationship?

3) Do you work in advertising—or are you considering working in advertising—but you’re just not sure if you should have a child to keep the marriage alive?

If you answered yes or no to any of these, then this book is for you. Congratulations! You’re ready to read about an industry that is unlike anything you’ve ever imagined.*

*Dismiss sentence if you’re Stephen King.

The Early Reviews Of Huckster

The book isn’t out yet, but the early reviews of Huckster are pouring in:

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This book will revolutionize the advertising industry. I’m willing to stake my reputation on it.

- Anonymous

 

This is the definitive work on advertising that everyone should read?

- Tim Winesbury, AdMarket Guide


This is the kind of book you can read anywhere. For instance, I read it naked in the shower, curled into a fetal position.

- A reader of Huckster


It’s as simple as this: Read the book. Then regret reading the book. Then lose sleep over why you kept turning the pages even knowing you didn’t really want to, and then start questioning your judgment—how can you trust yourself to make the right decisions anymore? (For example, did you even marry the right person?) Then question the existence of God. Then burn the book, hoping the memory of what you read will also wither into ashes and be blown away into oblivion by a desert wind. Then thank that non-existent God of yours that at least you’re not friends with the author.

- A friend of Gene Albamonte